So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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