I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
