You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
