I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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