I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
