Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
