guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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