my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
COCAINE IS GR8
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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