I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
