The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
