Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
