I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
