i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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