Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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