I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
