he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
