i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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