I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
