Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
