I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
