Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
