brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
