Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
