i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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