as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
