I met the friendliest cop last night
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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