New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
