Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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