I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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