This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
is wine microwaveable?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
