Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
