remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
