I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Randomize
