there's paper in my vomit.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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