Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
