i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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