a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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