My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I just gargled with NyQuil
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
