I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
