i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
