Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Randomize
