so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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