I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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