I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
