Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
