i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
