And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i barfeds in our rink
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
