when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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