I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
