just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
