woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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