you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
