In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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